I sit here and feel overwhelmed with emotion. It’s hard to revisit a season of pain as I try and put that journey onto this paper. Yet, in that emotion, I feel the Holy Spirit guide my heart and hands - I’m entering into a new phase of healing, I welcome this process knowing God is holding me and I trust Him as He leads me.

Summer, 2020 began our walk with adoption. I have a lot of this journey I want to eventually share but for now, know we prayed a lot, sat for hours upon hours doing paperwork, home studies, interviews, writing essays, having background checks, physicals and doing so much more to prepare for what was to come. We spent our savings and we believed that this is what God had planned for us, we still do. 

We are walking this journey by faith, not by sight. For we only know the next step we have to take and not the whole picture. 

Over the course of one year, we presented to situations of both male and female, multiple races and different ages. We received our ‘Not Yet’s’ and all of them were individually hard to walk through. Then we got our “Matched” moment. 

This moment came in August, 2021. We presented to an expecting mother who was having a little boy. Her case was very clean and without going into her details, it was kinda a dream case for us. Everything we had prayed for seemed to be right in front of us. We had a meeting with her and we got along great, another prayer answered. Within an hour of that meeting we got the call from our agency “She loved you and what you stand for. She has picked you!” We were speechless. We were so excited and ready to enter into this new adventure with the expecting mother and baby boy. 

We began preparing our hearts and home for two babies coming our way. Iris and this sweet boy were going to be 6 weeks apart. We were excited about raising our babies together, they were going to be like twins and we were overjoyed at the thought of raising brother and sister that would become best friends.

Side note: We always knew there was a chance of a ‘failed adoption’ we had heard about them but to be honest, we heard so many more positive outcomes that we were so hopeful that, that would be our story too. So knowing everything wasn’t set until we had the baby in our arms, we still had to prepare as if he was coming home with us. We bought what we needed to welcome him home. We were ready. 

Birth Mom was delivering in a different state so as her due date became closer, we were making travel plans and when it became time we travelled to her state. Car seat, stroller, clothes and everything else in the back of our car and such excitement in our hearts. We had made it to our half way point when we got a message. “Birth Mom hasn’t returned our calls today, this may mean she is backing out.” Our hearts sank at these words but God showed us His peace and we continued to trust in His plans. 

The next morning we got the next message “She has responded and updates are coming”. After this positive news, we continued our travel plans to be in the state for delivery. Still praying for God’s will to be done and for His presence to be over baby and expecting mom. 48 hours had passed and we were at dinner when we got a call. “It’s the agency!” We thought this may be the call to tell us its time - It was that call, but with a different ending than we had imagined.

Our agency shared “Birth Mom is at the hospital, but that’s all she told us before she hung up. She is delivering her baby and we think this is her way of telling us she has decided to parent. I’m so sorry.”
They went on to explain this doesn’t necessarily mean the end just yet, she could still call us back but for now we need to prepare ourselves that this could be the result of a failed adoption.

Those words were ringing in my ear ‘failed adoption’. Surely not. This can’t be the end for us. 

I wanted to curl into a ball and pretend like that conversation never happened.
How am I going to repeat these words to Teddy who is sitting next to me with such hopeful eyes! I was speechless. 

After I shared it with Teddy. The pain began to sink in that we may be going home without the son we thought. We went back to our hotel room that night, you could hear a pin drop. We were both so unsure what to say and we didn’t really know what the right way to feel was - On one side, we were so happy for the mother. This is the ultimate goal, babies to be with their mothers. If this is what she has decided, we wanted to celebrate that decision and support her no matter what. We prayed for her and this beautiful new journey she was entering into by having her baby by her side. However, we were feeling pain and I felt guilty for that. Tears rolling down my face, I prayed. I prayed that God would show me what to do in these next steps because I was feeling overwhelmed with an emotion I hadn’t felt before. I didn’t know that I could feel loss of a child, without knowing Him. But I was. From the moment we knew he existed, he was apart of my heart.
I climbed into bed and held Theadora so close and thanked God that I had her in my arms and our other sweet girl safe in my belly. I will never, ever take that for granted.

We didn’t sleep much that night as we kept checking my phone thinking they may call, it’s not too late we thought. So at every ring Teddy would say “Is it them?” And I would jump to check and as I shake my head to say no, I felt more pain sink in. I was loosing hope. I began crying more and as we laid there, I looked to Teddy and the words “Can we please go get him” came out of my mouth, and I meant it. I wanted to get into our car and drive to the hospital then and there. I wanted to see him, to know him. We were less than 10 minutes away from where he was being born and it was so hard knowing he was entering this world without us. 

Time kept moving and the silence continued. No future calls came in and the time had come for us to pack our car and return home.
The 2 day trip began and I spent that time trying to process. I wondered how I would feel when I walked into our home with all his things there. How I would act when I walked in to see the basinet beside my bed and his clothes in the nursery. I had so many questions - Do I return the gifts back to the friends and family who bought things for him? Do I keep this private or am I aloud to share this pain I feel even though I should be feeling joy that he is with his Mom? Am I aloud to say, he had a place in my heart and I prayed for him like he was already apart of our family? That he felt like my son even though we knew about him for such a short time. What is normal? All I was feeling was the unknown and I didn’t know how to walk through it. My heart felt like I had lost a child. We were ready for him and now, He’s not here.

Over the next few days I felt the Lord so closely in my pain. I cried a lot and at times I was angry. I was hurting and the emotions that came along with that pain seemed too much. But yet, God never let me feel alone. He was right there with me and I knew He was seeing things I didn’t. He had a plan this whole time. I didn’t understand it and I was questioning things, but I knew He had us in the palm of His hand - like he always has! Isaiah 49:16: “See, I will not forget you for I have carved you in the palm of my hands!” 

I felt like God told me to make a promise box of all things bought with intention to give this sweet boy. I had to close this door and create a space to heal. I began to pack away the big baby items and fold his small clothes into a box. I rolled up his blankets and packed away his bottles. I prayed over him and his mom. I prayed that they were sharing a love so deep that all those hard moments as a new mom would be outweighed with so much joy. I prayed for them, I prayed for all of us! 

The journey of adoption is so much deeper than you see on the surface and a lot of the journey isn’t often talked about. The beautiful endings are shared as they should be with celebration, but the hardship before that ending comes, has to be walked. I had to make a decision that day if I was willing to continue to walk through the hard moments before our own beautiful ending comes. Was I willing to walk this over and over again if that’s what it took before we ended in a successful adoption?

My answer is yes! I will walk this journey with my heart on my sleeve as everyday brings me closer to the child we have prayed for. Whoever you may be, wherever you are - I will walk through fire for you! Because as a Mom, I choose to serve you with love and kindness. I will do all I can with God at my side to protect you and I will always be there for you. I will spend my life raising you in a Godly, loving home where family is our centre and God is our core. The moment you enter my arms, will be a day of celebration and a gift from God. I will walk the journey of life with you as you discover your calling and find who you were created to be! I will cherish everyday with you and be grateful for the strong and courageous women who first called you hers! I will forever pray for the relationship between you and your biological family and allow God to guide you as you navigate what is best for you and them. 

We are ready for you. 

Today, those boxes are in storage and they have become a box full of faith and hope. I see them and I know they aren’t going to be in storage forever. Our time will come, in Gods timing. Although I still feel what was lost, I celebrate knowing this isn’t the end. This is all apart of our story and I pray that one day I will meet that sweet boy and his mother in heaven and we will rejoice in the life God gave them together. 

If He dresses the lilies with beauty and splendour
How much more will He clothe you?
How much more will He clothe you?
If He watched over every sparrow
How much more does He love you?
How much more does He love you?
“Jireh” - Mavrick City.

We are clothed and loved - Redemption will be our story.